


there’s no need to be brave (can’t let go of what’s in my head)

by hat_full_of_stars



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25646467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hat_full_of_stars/pseuds/hat_full_of_stars
Summary: Supergirl vanished years ago. Everybody knows that. Which is why Lena cannot seem to tear her eyes away from the blog on her tablet screen. One minute she is reading about National City’s newly elected pro-alien mayor, the next all she knows is that she has been scrolling for the better part of twenty minutes. There are stories of Krypton, stories of Supergirl’s childhood and descriptions of long-lost traditions. And then there are the paintings …
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 132
Kudos: 624





	1. Chapter 1

Supergirl vanished years ago. Everybody knows that.

Which is why Lena cannot seem to tear her eyes away from the blog on her tablet screen. When Sam asks her about it weeks later, Lena will not be able to tell her how she found it. One minute she is reading about National City’s newly elected pro-alien mayor, the next all she knows is that she has been scrolling for the better part of twenty minutes. Her laptop is next to her on the bed, her work e-mails forgotten.

Supergirl vanished from the skies of National City before Lena even moved there. According to the official statement at the time, Supergirl had solar-flared when protecting the city from an attack. This had happened before, and the hero would show up to the next crime scene a few days later as good as new. That time, however, she had disappeared entirely. The media had speculated and theorized, the people hoped and waited for the Kryptonian to appear again, but in the end Supergirl had disappeared. Nobody knew her civilian identity, nobody knew if she was alive or not.

Lena lets out a yawn and tries to tell herself to put the tablet down and go to sleep, but she keeps scrolling. The blog’s title is _Khao-Shuh Krypton_ , and it contains all different sorts of entries. There are stories of Krypton, stories of Supergirl’s childhood and descriptions of long-lost traditions. There are ‘Kryptonian words of the day’, in which the blogger explains the meaning behind words and phrases. ‘Khao-Shuh’ means something close to ‘to be continued’, Lena learns.

And then there are the paintings. Paintings of Kryptonian landscape, unfamiliar, yet comforting at the same time. The landscapes are mostly blue, reminiscent of ice on the ocean. And yet it looks nothing like ice at the same time, nothing like any shade of blue Lena has ever seen. Lena has – obviously – never been to Krypton, but she feels a sense of longing regardless. As if the painter dipped their paintbrush not in paint, but into their emotions, laying them bare on the canvas for the viewer to absorb.

Lena scrolls and scrolls, until there are no more entries. She sighs. The first post, she sees, is from just over two years ago. She reads it with her tongue between her teeth. The first post reveals nothing about the blogger, only their intent to keep the memory of Krypton alive. Lena lets out a low, short huff. A glance to the bottom of the screen lets her know it is past 1 am already.

Reminding herself of her 8 am appointment in the morning, Lena switches the tablet off for good and gets ready for sleep. Sleep, however, does not find her, and she tosses and turns, thinking about the stories of Krypton and the mysterious blogger who tells them so hauntingly real.

* * *

On her lunchbreak the next day, Lena is on her fourth cup of coffee – much to Jess’ disapproval – and her hands are trembling as she picks up the tablet from her desk to pull up the blog. It has not left her mind all morning, either, and the appointment and the subsequent meeting had felt like they would never end. Lena’s heartbeat picks up when she sees there is a new entry. Another ‘Kryptonian word of the day’.

‘Shahrrehth’ means ‘hope’, she learns, and is one of eleven Kryptonian virtues. She smiles to herself, remembering the countless times she had seen Supergirl on TV, delivering speeches of hope to the people. She reads further with great interest, and on impulse clicks the ‘allow notifications’ button when it pops up.

Her mind starts wandering as she looks out of her floor-to-ceiling windows from her office over the skyline of National City. It’s a nice day, the sky blue with only an occasional cloud, and she can see the waterfront. It’s the same sky Supergirl used to fly through, either at high speed to make it in time to a crime scene, or leisurely to listen to the sounds of the city. Not that Lena has ever seen her in person. Everything she knows is from the news at the time, and the commemorative video compilations that people created once they realized their superhero would likely never show up in their city again.

Lena can’t help but wonder if her new fascination is something that has somehow rubbed off to her from Lex. Her brother, now estranged and stepped down from the company for his scandalous, xenophobic remarks a few years ago, had always had a weird obsession with Superman. The other Kryptonian – Lena wonders if he and Supergirl were related at all – used to fly the skies of Metropolis until he retired and lived his life as a civilian. Lena is sure that there must be people who know his real name, and she wonders if the same is true for Supergirl.

She finds herself wanting to ask Lex and pushes that thought far, far back into her mind where it came from. If a Luthor sibling reunion happens at all anytime soon, it will surely not be because of flying aliens in capes. Lena and Lex had used to argue over alien amnesty enough to last Lena a lifetime. Her brother can keep wasting the family money on his Caribbean island, but Lena will work to keep the family name out of the dirt.

There is a knock on the door, and Jess informs her that her next appointment is waiting in the lobby. Lena sighs and tells Jess to give her five minutes. She cleans up her sandwich wrapper and downs the rest of the now cold coffee, then pulls out the notes on her next client. The blog still lingers in her mind all day, but work takes over her life as it so often does, and it slowly escapes her mind as the week goes on.

* * *

Until a notification on her tablet pops up with a ‘ping’, making Lena’s eyes go wide and having her almost drop the coffee she is holding in her other hand. She’s in the elevator with Jess on her way to a board meeting over a week later, and she swipes the notification away before her overly observant assistant can have a glance at it.

At home later that night, however, Lena clicks the blog. The new entry is about Kryptonian wedding traditions. Lena takes a long sip from her wine before she starts reading.

_Coming to earth, the difference in customs regarding human relationships was one of the biggest culture shocks. On Krypton, arranged marriage was common, both in royalty and commoners. Oftentimes families arranged marriages right after birth or during child age. On earth, it surprised me that the view of arranged marriages differed greatly between cultures. That being said, it surprised me that on one planet cultures could differ so greatly. Having landed in a culture that looked down upon arranged marriages, I oftentimes wished I could have landed in a country that favored them, just to make that part easier for myself. I struggled to identify what constituted romantic attraction until my young adulthood, even if I have embraced this approach to relationships by now._

The entry goes on, and at the end Lena takes in a deep breath when she sees the photo of what the author describes as a replica of a Kryptonian wedding armband. It’s beautiful, and even if it is made out of earthly matter, it looks entirely alien.

Lena takes a last sip of her wine and scrolls back up to read over the entry again. There is something about the wording that makes her pause, something that she had already noticed the first night of her binge-reading. The first-person account, as if the author had experienced life on Krypton firsthand. Lena runs a hand through her hair. It’s impossible, of course. Krypton has been a dead planet for decades, everybody knows that Superman came to earth as a baby, and Supergirl …

Lena stops short. She scrolls back up, then quickly back down. She goes back to the very first entry, but finds that just like the first time she looked, it does not say anything personal about the author. Initially, she had assumed it was someone who had studied the planet, who maybe threw in a good portion of imagination and assumptions into the finer details of the entries.

However, once the thought that it is not completely impossible for Supergirl to be the one running the blog enters her mind, she sees it through a different lens. Nobody knows if Supergirl is alive or not, nobody knows what happened to her. It’s not impossible, Lena thinks, for her to have this blog as a tribute to her home planet.

She takes a closer look. The blog had been started long after Supergirl’s disappearance. There is no way to leave a public comment, and no visitor count. It is impossible to know if the blog has any readership at all. There is, however, a ‘contact’ button at the bottom of the page. Lena clicks it and almost laughs when a regular contact form requiring her name and e-mail address appears. She doesn’t know what kind of alien communication technology she had expected.

Before she can think about it twice, her fingers are typing on the keyboard.

_Hello,_

_I recently found your blog and I am deeply fascinated by it. Your depictions of Kryptonian life and traditions sound real and emotional, and your paintings of Kryptonian landscape are simply beautiful. You have gained a new admirer and I am looking forward to reading your future entries._

_I lived in Metropolis during Superman’s active years when I was younger, but sadly only came to National City after Supergirl’s disappearance. If the question isn’t too personal, are you affiliated with Supergirl in any way? You must have studied the history, language and culture of Krypton quite extensively._

_I would love to hear back from you._

_Best,_

_Lena_

Her hand trembles slightly when she hits ‘send’. From the wine or her nerves, she can’t tell. She takes a deep breath. She isn’t entirely sure what she expects to come from the message. She wants to know more about the blogger, but at the same time finding out who might or might not be behind it terrifies her.

She gets up to go to the kitchen to refill her wineglass despite the lateness of the hour. She tries to get some work done, willing herself not to glance at her phone and tablet every minute to check for an incoming e-mail. For all she knows, the author could be in a completely different time zone. Her work barely distracts her, however, and by the time she goes to sleep she feels embarrassment brewing in her stomach.

“I’m not going to end up like Lex and his unhealthy obsession with Kryptonians,” she mumbles to herself as she stares at the ceiling of her bedroom.

* * *

To: lena1026@starmail.com

From: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

_Dear Lena,_

_Thank you for your message! I am very happy that you enjoy my blog. I don’t often receive feedback so I am happy to hear that it has reached someone else._

_Regarding your question about my affiliation with Supergirl._

_I’m her._

_\- S_

* * *

The reply has been sitting in Lena’s inbox for two days. Two days in which Lena has barely slept or eaten, two days in which she has buried herself in her work more than usual, two days in which Jess’ looks grow more worried by the hour.

 _I’m her_. Lena has no idea what to do with that one simple answer. It could all be a prank, someone who gets a kick out of pretending to be Supergirl on the internet. Lena used her private e-mail for good reason, the last thing she needs is a blind item about a Fortune 500 CEO interacting with strangers online in their free time.

It could all be a prank, but there is something about the simplicity of the statement that makes Lena think otherwise. Which is why she has no clue how to respond. What does one say to a flying superhero that has been off the radar for years? It’s not like Lena can invite her for coffee to verify that it’s actually Supergirl. Lena writes and rewrites drafts in her mind, then in her notes app, then on paper until she worries that her reply will be too late to be appropriate and she will have ruined everything before it starts.

What she means by everything, she isn’t sure. She’s curious, she wants to know more about what happened to Supergirl, what the news didn’t report. Hadn’t anyone else found the blog yet? Was she the first one to know the blogger is Supergirl herself?

God, Lena thinks. Is this how Lex’ obsession started? By thinking about Superman constantly? Lena lets out a hollow laugh, and it sounds sadder than she intended in the solitude of her office. No, she thinks. She is pretty sure that her brother had never exchanged e-mails with Superman before making his hatred of aliens part of his PR. She sighs and rubs her temples.

It takes her another day to finally type her reply into her e-mail and send it. It’s not the most coherent message she has ever written, but she is simply happy to have sent it so that she can stop stressing about it.

To: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

From: lena1026@starmail.com

_Dear Supergirl,_

_Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry it took me this long to get back to you. I was overwhelmed by the fact that you said that you are ‘her’, if I’m being honest._

_I have so many questions, and I have no idea where to begin. I don’t even know if I can trust you, or if you’re just a bored high school kid. But I have decided to give you the benefit of the doubt, because your depictions sound so real, and your paintings are so beautiful and raw that I doubt a high schooler could pull it off._

_If you are okay with answering some of my questions, please let me know. I’d love to hear more from you._

_Best,_

_Lena_

* * *

When Jess invites her for drinks after work the next Friday and Lena declines, the look on her assistant’s face lets her know that this is the last time she is getting away with it. 

Lena apologizes, but she cannot get out of work. The new mayor is hosting a gala in three weeks, and Lena is invited to hold a speech. She wants to use the opportunity to announce the prototype for a new image-inducer, and she still needs to go over the lab reports.

Jess says nothing, only nods and shuts the door to Lena’s office. Twenty minutes later, however, Lena sees a new item scheduled for the following Friday at 10 PM: _Drinks with Jess and Kelly_. Lena can’t help but chuckle and approve of the item before turning back to the draft of her speech. While the gala is still weeks away, she needs her appearance to be perfect. The new mayor is an outspoken pro-alien activist, and Lena has an interest in publicly being her ally.

And even more importantly, Lena has a reply from Supergirl sitting in her inbox, and she once again can feel it taking up every last corner of her mind. She doubts she will be a useful conversation partner over drinks at a bar when all she can think about is what to write back.

She responds the next morning while drinking coffee on her balcony. It’s a warm morning, and the traffic sounds muffled so high up on the floor that her penthouse is on. In her e-mail, Supergirl had agreed to answering Lena’s questions as best as she could unless they were too personal. It’s good enough for Lena. She looks at the paintings on the blog for what feels like the hundredth time by now. She cannot seem to get enough of them.

Lena decides to ask about the paintings. Or rather, what they depict. Many of them show cityscapes and mountains, but Lena wants to know more. Are they a specific city, a specific mountain? Had Supergirl lived there? The paintings never show people, and Lena wonders if it’s a deliberate choice.

She spends a good half an hour drafting her e-mail, and when she sends it, she feels the same rush of adrenaline that she felt the first time. She gets up to make another cup of coffee, and then proceeds to catch up on her work e-mails. It’s a habit Jess had scolded her for many times over the years, but it’s not like Lena has a personal life on the weekends, anyways. She doesn’t see why she shouldn’t spend her time working. She’s in comfortable clothes on her balcony, it feels like leisure to her.

She eats a salad when lunch time comes around, and compiles a small grocery list and sends it to her driver to pick up for her later that day. She ignores an e-mail from her mother trying to convince her not to publicly endorse the new pro-alien mayor, and she reads the news from around the globe. As far as Saturdays go for Lena, her day is quite normal.

Until she finds herself looking out at the city beneath her from her balcony and towards the mountains in the distance. She finds herself wishing she could witness Supergirl flying by, just once. She wonders what Supergirl is doing at this moment. Does she still live in National City? Have her powers ever come back after the solar flare? Would Supergirl ever tell her if she asked?

Lena turns back towards her laptop and before she knows it, she has pulled up a video compilation of Supergirl. Some clips are shaky and grainy, but there she is, seen flying into a burning building or rescuing a kitten from a tree. Some clips are simply of her flying high above the city, smiling and waving at the people on the street. When the video ends, she clicks another, and soon she forgets about her work altogether.

An incoming e-mail notification almost makes her jump out of her seat, and she stares at the screen in disbelief when she sees the sender. Supergirl.

* * *

The next week goes by in a blur, and on Friday afternoon Jess lets her know that Lena’s 10pm ‘appointment’ is obligatory. Lena agrees with a sigh. Despite having written e-mails with Supergirl all week, she feels like she hasn’t had real social interaction in a while, not counting her board members and researchers. While all she wants is to go home and reply to the e-mail sitting in her inbox, she tells herself that Jess is right and she needs to go out sometimes.

After Supergirl’s quick response the weekend before, they have been exchanging e-mails daily. Lena asks about Kryptonian culture, architecture and history, and Supergirl answers as best as she can. It has soon become clear to Lena that Supergirl must have been a member of the elite class, because her knowledge is deep considering the fact that she left the planet during her teenage years. Supergirl never talks about her family or her background, however, and Lena doesn’t ask.

Supergirl never asks Lena personal questions, either, and Lena is content with that, too. Even when they start signing off with “have a good day!” and “can’t wait to hear from you soon!”, they never talk about personal things. Supergirl seems happy to have someone who asks her about her home planet, and Lena … well, Lena is just happy to have a distraction from her stiff and boring business e-mails that usually clog up her inbox.

The e-mails become the highlight of her day, and Lena finds herself refreshing her inbox more times than she can count in the mornings. Usually Supergirl replies just before noon, and it makes Lena wonder if they are indeed in the same time zone. She thinks of what to reply during her lunch breaks, even though she finds herself drifting off during a meeting more than once.

A little before 10pm, Jess comes to her office to pick her up, and they walk the couple of blocks to the bar. The security guard only nods at them when he lets them in, and inside they are immediately led to a booth in the back where the music is not as loud. Kelly is already there, as is her wife. Kelly greets her enthusiastically, and Lena doesn’t miss the relieved glance that she sends Jess.

As L-Corp’s mental health advisor, Kelly has made it her mission to not only improve the mental well-being of the employees, but of their CEO as well. Lena knows that their semi-regular drinks nights are a plot by her and Jess to get her out of her office before midnight at least once in a while. She has also had a scheduled lunch with Kelly once a month for more than a year now, and she would never admit it but Jess’ and Kelly’s joint efforts to provide her a social life outside of work are the one thing that keeps her from feeling completely like one of the robots her research teams are building in the labs.

Lena and Kelly’s wife greet each other with a nod and a smile, and Lena sits down next to Jess, who is already ordering their drinks. Lena doesn’t know much about Alexandra Danvers, only that she is married to Kelly and works for the FBI. She never meets her outside of drinks night or company parties, but she is certain of one thing: she is intimidating. Lena has been described as stone cold and bossy and has made grown men cry in the conference room, but she would never want to be on Alex Danvers’ bad side. The fact that she is married to Kelly, the sweetest and most caring person Lena has ever met aside from Sam, is the only thing that keeps her from being too scared to be in the same room with her at all.

By the time their drinks arrive, Kelly and Jess are already in a heated discussion about some show on Netflix. Lena listens to them as she sips her drink, and when Kelly acts offended when Alex agrees with Jess, she laughs along. As the conversations continue, Lena finds herself genuinely having a good time, and she feels thankful for Jess and Kelly’s insistence. She makes a mental note to give them both a raise before the quarter ends.

“Lena, I completely forgot to tell you, I have amazing news!” Kelly says during their second round of drinks. “Alex’ sister will be providing the artwork for the new mayor’s gala! Five of her paintings will be on display and sold off for a charity auction to benefit the alien shelter!”

Kelly turns to Alex, pride so evident on her face that it makes Lena tear up a little. Lena hadn’t even known that Alex has a sister, much less that she paints, but she nevertheless feels happy for her.

“Congratulations! I will make sure to take a look at them!” They make a toast, and Alex gives her what feels like the first genuine, eyes crinkling smile Lena has ever received from her. It makes her look a little less intimidating.

They leave the bar sometime after midnight, and when Lena comes home, she falls asleep immediately. She sleeps soundly for the first time in a while and only remembers her reply to Supergirl the next morning.

* * *

“Lena, you cannot be serious. We don’t talk for a few weeks and when we catch up you are being catfished by someone pretending to be Supergirl? Please tell me she has at least sent you a current photo or something.” Sam’s voice drips with disapproval, and Lena bites her lip.

“No, Sam. You don’t understand. It’s more complicated than it sounds.” Lena feels a need to defend Supergirl, to defend the stranger behind the e-mails that have become something like a lifeline in her busy workdays and lonely weekends.

Her mood has become depended on whether she hears from Supergirl or not. The replies come frequently, but there are also intervals where they don’t. It makes her wonder what Supergirl’s day job is, and what time zone she is in. She’s caught herself fantasizing about meeting her in person once or twice, even. She shakes her head and bites her lip, and decides not to mention _that_ to Sam.

Sam eventually relents, and Lena tells her more about the content of the e-mails. She knows she has no proof it’s Supergirl, but she assures Sam that the knowledge of Krypton and alien technology is simply too authentic to be fake. She tells her how Supergirl just wants to keep the memory of her planet alive, and how she rarely has the opportunity to talk about her childhood and life on Krypton these days. When Lena admits that she spends all day drafting her response and then all morning awaiting the reply, Sam only sighs.

Lena has to promise her to be careful, to not let the blogger (Sam refuses to call them ‘Supergirl’ until she has tangible proof) know her last name, and to ask her for a recent photo at the next opportunity. She agrees, even if she is disappointed that Sam doesn’t seem to share her enthusiasm at having ‘found’ Supergirl. But a part of her also appreciates Sam’s protective nature – it hasn’t changed since their days in Metropolis.

They eventually turn towards other topics, and Sam tells her about her work and Ruby’s crush, and just the fact that Ruby is now old enough to have a crush on someone makes Lena stare out of the window for a considerable amount of time after they hang up. Sometimes it feels like just last month that she came to National City to rebuild her family’s company. It might be the fact that she still doesn’t have a social circle here, Lena thinks bitterly and downs the rest of her whiskey.

* * *

To: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

From: lena1026@starmail.com

_Dear Supergirl,_

_Thank you for clarifying about the superpowers in your previous mail. For some reason I assumed that everyone on Krypton flew around as well. It must have been strange for you to come to Earth and suddenly be able to fly._

_I know this is kind of off-topic from what we usually talk about, but I caught up with a good friend of mine today. I told her about the blog and your e-mails, I hope that was okay. She didn’t believe me when I said that the person behind the e-mails is the ‘real’ Supergirl and thinks I’m being pranked._

_If you don’t mind, just to prove her wrong, do you have anything that I can show her so she can be convinced it’s really you? I believe you, but I need my friend to, too._

_Hope you have a wonderful day,_

_Lena_

To: lena1026@starmail.com

From: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

_Dear Lena,_

_Of course it’s fine to tell your friend about me. My blog is public, and anyone can message me (it’s only that not enough people seem to be interested in it, because you are the only one I’m talking to …)_

_I’m sorry that I can’t send you a recent picture. I know we haven’t talked about it, but since I fell out of the public eye, I haven’t been feeling great about myself. My self-confidence has been low since it happened, and I don’t like having my picture taken all that much anymore …_

_But I’ve been thinking about recording a Kryptonian folk song for a while now. Your request finally made me go through with it, and I will upload it to my blog later today. It’s a song that worships Rao, the Sun God. My voice is still the same and I know that there are still interviews of me out there. I’m sorry for not sending you a photo, but I hope this can be enough for now._

_Take care,_

_\- S_

When Lena gets a push notification a little over an hour later, informing her of a new blog entry, her heart starts beating wildly in her chest. She clicks it so fast she thinks she might have pulled a muscle in her hand, and when she reads the entry her hand becomes clammy. She clutches her phone and takes a deep breath. The entry explains the song Supergirl had recorded, and the Kryptonian song text looks unfamiliar to Lena’s eyes.

She clicks on the audio file. No music starts, but someone clears their throat and says “This is a Kryptonian song called Rao Our Light.” Supergirl. Lena recognizes the voice immediately. She has never heard it in person, obviously, but she would recognize it anywhere. On TV, however, Supergirl had always sounded hopeful and confident - now her voice sounds smaller and unsure.

But when she starts singing, the insecurity is instantly gone. Lena gets goosebumps after the first line. Supergirl’s voice is clear as day and pleasant to listen to. It’s better than what’s on the radio most days. It makes Lena want to sit there and listen to it forever, so when the song ends, Lena presses play again and again and again. Like a siren, Supergirl’s voice lures her in, and Lena can only let herself be dragged into her world deeper and deeper.

When Lena finally stops repeating the song, she sits there in silence and watches as the sun goes down through her windows. Supergirl can not only paint and write, she can also sing. As has been the case over the last few weeks, the more Lena learns about her the more she almost cannot stand to not meet her. She slowly gets up and fills herself a glass of water, then she sends the link to the blog entry to Sam. _See, it’s the same voice. It’s all good, Sam!_ By the time she has replied to Supergirl’s e-mail, the sun has long set behind the mountains.

* * *

The mayor’s gala approaches faster than Lena would have liked. She feels like she should have spent more time in the lab to look after the image-inducer prototype, she should have practiced her speech one more time, she should have taken more time to choose her outfit.

Jess does her best to calm her boss’s nerves, but right before Lena’s speech she presses a scotch into her hand and tells her to just take a few sips. Lena wants to be concerned that her unhealthy habits have rubbed off on her assistant, but before she can say anything she gets called to the stage. The polite applause of the few dozen people in attendance has her put on her practiced smile, and she steps out.

It’s only when she stands there in the limelight that she realizes why she is so nervous, why this speech feels different from the many she has held over her career. She has made her pro-alien stance clear the second she set foot into National City and she has donated considerable amounts of money towards alien-focused charities. The public may not have forgotten about Lex’s hateful rhetoric, but they have certainly embraced Lena as her own person and a well-meaning businesswoman.

And yet, now that Lena talks to Supergirl, or to the person who used to be Supergirl, it all seems different. Lena wonders if Supergirl knows about Lena Luthor the CEO, if she approves of her policies, if she has benefitted from Lena’s deeds at all.

The speech goes smoothly despite her nerves, and she answers a couple of questions from the audience. The gala then moves on to being a networking event and a party, and people flock to the buffet. Jess congratulates her and brings her something to eat, but Lena only wants to go home. She wants to tell Jess to look out for the mayor so she can thank her and head out when Jess clears her throat.

“You promised Kelly and Alex to look at the paintings by Alex’ sister, Miss Luthor.”

The paintings. Lena had forgotten about them until now. Jess leads her to the foyer where the artworks are on display. Guests are standing together drinking and eating, only one or two are admiring the art on the wall. Lena is surprised to find Alex Danvers standing by the door in a black uniform. She is there as part of the security team, Alex informs her with a grin and a pat to the gun on her belt. Lena only nods, then leaves Jess with Alex.

The paintings have caught her attention, and she cannot help but wander along the wall, taking her time to take in every single one. They show landscapes like the ones around National City. There are no people or animals, only nature and the occasional building in the background. The blue of the sky is deep, and if it was just a shade deeper it would be preposterous. Lena almost wants to reach out and dip her hand into it like a child would into water.

The stroke of the paintbrush seems familiar, even though Lena can’t place it. She has never been knowledgeable about art, so she has no frame of reference if Alex Danvers’ sister is a recognizable artist or not. She glances at the plaque next to it. _Kara Danvers_ , the name reads, and she tries to commit the name to memory. Then she does a double take when she sees the price. _$120_.

One painting in particular draws Lena in. The scenery looks reclusive, like a perfect depiction of loneliness. Lena almost wishes she could escape into it from the busy and stuffy venue, and from all these people who know her name but not her.

She calls over Jess to ask her if anyone has bought the paintings yet, and after a quick phone call Jess confirms that only the one on the very right has been sold. When Lena announces she wants to buy the painting they’re standing in front of for $500, Jess’ eyes become round as saucers and she nervously glances towards Alex to make sure she isn’t in earshot, but she nods and tells Lena she will arrange it.

Alex approaches them. “Would you like to meet my sister?”

It’s Lena’s turn for her eyes to go wide. Does she want to meet the artist she just dropped $500 on in the blink of an eye because her painting evoked in her a sudden sense of longing, a need to be anywhere else than in this room full of people?

Alex tilts her head towards the buffet where a blonde woman is stacking up her plate full of pigs in a blanket and the cranberry crostinis Lena had tried herself earlier. Lena briefly wonders if the woman is going to eat all of that food by herself before she looks back to Alex and makes an excuse about needing to get back to her office.

Jess mutters something under her breath that Lena doesn’t ask about, and when they spot the mayor Lena excuses herself before the artist starts making her way over. Alex raises an eyebrow and follows them to have a good view of the mayor, but Lena makes a successful exit a few minutes later.

Once they’re in the car Lena sees she has a disapproving e-mail from her mother, her speech and announcement having already made the press, and she lets out a long sigh. She asks her driver to drive her home instead of back to the office, and she spends the rest of the night finishing a bottle of wine.

* * *

To: lena1026@starmail.com

From: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

_Dear Lena,_

_How is your day going? (I discovered a new pizza place a few blocks from my apartment today, so my day has been spectacular!)_

_Yesterday I read a good article and interview with the new mayor of National City. It made me cry, to be honest. She’s an alien supporter, as you probably know, and it just felt so good to have someone in her position be an ally. When I was growing up, the very existence of aliens was still a conspiracy theory and I could have never let anyone find out about where I was from. I’m just so happy to have someone like her in my city._

_We’ve been writing to each other for a while now, so I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you. I’m still so happy that you liked the song I uploaded, it meant a lot to me._

_Take care,_

_\- S_

To: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

From: lena1026@starmail.com

_Dear Supergirl,_

_I’m so happy that the new mayor is supportive of alien rights, as well. Unfortunately, my family is very xenophobic, especially against aliens. I’m not in touch with them anymore, but when I was younger it used to be hard to argue against them without any public figures in support of aliens. So yes, it is a big step forward. I hope that aliens and their families now feel even more welcome in National City._

Lena doesn’t mention the fact that she hadn’t known that Supergirl still lived in National City. She’s not sure if Supergirl shared the fact consciously or if it was a slip-up. Lena bites her lip and stares at the screen, reading the e-mail over again.

_What’s your favorite food besides pizza? I can recommend a kombucha place that opened last year._

_Have a good night,_

_Lena_

* * *

_Kryptonian word of the day: zha udolkhehdia_

_It can be roughly translated as “to not be afraid”, but it holds so much more meaning. It means to be brave, fearless, to not give up. It’s a phrase my parents used to often tell me when I was younger, and something I told myself when I first came to Earth. It seems like I have forgotten about its deeper meaning in the last years, however …_

* * *

The frequency with which Lena and Supergirl exchange e-mails increases to two or three times a day. They talk about their favorite food (Supergirl does not consider kale or kombucha ‘real food’, Lena finds out to her amusement), their favorite books and their favorite coffee shops in the city. Lena rarely asks about Krypton anymore, except when she wants to know more about something in a blog entry.

She wishes she could simply ask Supergirl to meet up for coffee now that it’s clear they’re both in National City. However, she is hesitant to breach the subject after asking for a photo the last time. Sam asks her about it each time they talk, but Lena only tells her they’re still writing e-mails and that everything is fine. Sam sighs each time and tells Lena to be careful.

Supergirl occupies every last corner of her mind by now. Lena thinks about what to reply to her during her board meetings, she buys a brand of cereal because Supergirl said she liked it, and her heart starts beating faster every time she sees a tall woman with long, blonde hair in public. If Kelly or Jess notice her absentmindedness from time to time, they don’t mention it to her.

Except that currently, Jess is eyeing her strangely. Lena has just shown her last visitor of the day out of her office. As soon as the elevator doors close behind him, she leans on Jess’ desk and sighs. It’s been a long day, and she hasn’t eaten much. Jess tells her to go home, and Lena only nods. She looks at the painting behind Jess’ desk, the painting she bought at the gala a couple of weeks ago. Like every time she looks at it, she wishes she could jump into the scenery after a long day and relax in the vibrant colors and peaceful surroundings.

Kelly’s face the first time she had seen her sister-in-law’s painting on the wall next to Lena’s office had been priceless, and during their next lunch she had told her how shocked Alex’ sister had been to hear that it had been Lena who had bought the painting for more than 4 times its original price. Now Lena smiles to herself every time she walks past.

Jess clears her throat and tells Lena to take the rest of the day off for the second time. Lena complies with a weary sigh. When she gathers her purse and heads out, she picks up her phone and orders a pizza from a place Supergirl had recently recommended. Jess’ jaw drops to the floor when she overhears her boss ordering anything else than a salad, but Lena is already down the elevator.

* * *

The first time she has a strange dream, she doesn’t think much of it. She’s had nightmares all her life. In her dream she chases something. She doesn’t know what it is, but it keeps escaping her as she follows it through the streets of National City in her high heels. She takes one unguarded turn around a corner and onto a crosswalk. Before she can feel the impact of the car that is about to hit her, Supergirl comes flying and grabs her away from the danger.

Lena’s entire body jerks, and she wakes up drenched in sweat. She spends the day disoriented and irritated, but when Kelly asks her during their lunch if something is wrong, she shakes her head no and changes the topic.

The next time she wakes up in the middle of the night and doesn’t go back to sleep. In her dream, she keeps seeing Supergirl everywhere, the red and blue of her superhero suit standing out amongst the crowd. But each time that Lena approaches her to introduce herself, she realizes it’s just a mannequin staring at her with lifeless eyes. Lena switches on the light in her bedroom and pours herself a glass of scotch.

She gets out her tablet and looks up Supergirl. She tries different searches, but nothing comes up that the public doesn’t already know. Not what happened to her superpowers, no civilian name, nothing. Nothing but the blog Lena has read up and down multiple times by now. She sighs and clicks on another video compilation she has seen dozens of times by now.

The sun rises and her alarm clock goes off. Lena rubs her tired eyes. She doesn’t feel ready for the day. She refreshes her e-mail, but of course there is no reply from Supergirl yet. Lena had sent her reply late the night before - they are currently on the topic of the best bands of the 2000s. Lena is impressed by Supergirl’s knowledge of pop culture, but she figures it must have been necessary to fit in as a teenager. It’s a stark contrast to the way her own knowledge comes from reading youth magazines at boarding school under the covers.

Lena stares at her inbox. Something about the intensity of her nightmares makes her want to let go of Supergirl, to stop talking to her so she can sleep normally again and not feel like she is chasing something that isn’t there. At the same time, she knows it’s futile. She has come this far. They have established a friendship, Lena likes to think. She can’t simply cut her off. She likes to think that their e-mail exchange means something to Supergirl, too.

But something has to change, she thinks as she closes and reopens her tired eyes once more. Isn’t Supergirl curious about who she is? Does Supergirl not care about the person she has been talking to for months? Does Supergirl not spend every waking moment thinking of her? The possibility that the answer could be no makes Lena shudder. She gets up and goes to her bathroom, where she stands under the shower and stares at the teal-colored tiles until she runs late for her morning meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is from mitski - i will and tegan & sara - dying to know


	2. Chapter 2

To: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

From: lena1026@starmail.com

_Dear Supergirl,_

_I’m sorry that I didn’t reply yesterday. I had a long day at work, and then went for drinks with my colleagues. I hope you had a good night!_

_The truth is, I’ve been thinking about our e-mail exchange for a while. We never talk about personal things too much, but I do consider this a friendship. Maybe because I do not have many close friends to begin with, but I hope that my e-mails mean something to you, too._

_Which is why I feel like I can’t keep my identity a secret from you any longer. I can’t keep talking to you without wanting to take our friendship further, to become more personal than this. It’s funny, because you are the former superhero with a civilian identity the public is still in the dark about after all these years, and likely will be forever. That’s okay, by the way. I understand that it’s necessary to protect the life you are leading now._

_You never asked me more about myself, which I was thankful for in the beginning, when I was only curious about Kryptonian architecture and technology. Now, however, I want to tell you who I am. Since you live in National City, you have most likely heard of me and my business. So for what it’s worth, I hope this doesn’t scare you away. But if you don’t want to talk to me anymore after you now my name, then I have to respect that. I just want you to know that I’m not my family, and I’m trying to right the wrongs they have committed._

_I’m Lena Luthor, CEO of L-Corp._

_I hope I didn’t scare you away._

_\- Lena_

* * *

To: lena1026@starmail.com

From: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

_Dear Lena,_

_Thank you for your honest words. I appreciate them._

_You didn’t scare me away._

_And now it’s my time to be honest with you._

_I had a feeling that you were Lena Luthor. Before you freak out, let me elaborate. I’ve lived in National City since I went to college. I knew of Lex because of his anti-alien rhetoric and his rivalry with Superman. And when a few years ago you took over the company and moved it here, I closely followed your work. I was relieved that you are pro-alien and have continually worked to improve the lives of aliens living here. Thank you._

_Then I got your e-mail, and at first, I thought nothing of it. But your questions were always so complex and came from a place of knowledge not everyone possesses (especially not on Earth – no offense!). So I started wondering who my new pen-pal might be (yes, I consider you a friend, all things considered)._

_Then I saw your public endorsement of the new mayor and read your Wikipedia page to see what Lena Luthor has been up to. I noticed the birthdate was the same as the numbers in your e-mail address. I went back to re-read our old e-mails and just put two and two together. The long work days, the scientific knowledge and interest, the love for healthy food (you got papped at that kombucha place you recommended to me, by the way!)._

_But I didn’t want to pressure you, and so I just kept quietly wondering why Lena Luthor of all people takes time out of her busy days to talk to me, a nobody on the internet. Because I’m not Supergirl anymore, I’m just someone with a blog._

_So, rest assured that I still want to talk to you, and that I’m honored that you told me about yourself. I admire your work and I’m glad to be able to call you my friend._

_Take care,_

_\- S_

* * *

To: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

From: lena1026@starmail.com

_Dear Supergirl,_

_I don’t know where to begin. Firstly, thank you for replying, you don’t know how much it means to me. I was scared you would be repulsed to have been talking to a Luthor._

_Secondly, I can’t believe you had it figured out. I’m not mad, but rather impressed. I guess I should have been more careful even when using my private e-mail address, but the truth is I sent you the first message on a whim and didn’t think much about it. I had no idea what that one message, sent out of curiosity, would lead to, and that I would end up ‘finding’ Supergirl. I feel silly now, but also relieved. Thank you for letting me tell you on my own terms._

_Thank you for saying that you feel honored to call me your friend. I don’t have many friends, so please know that the honor is all mine. I always admired Supergirl even before I moved here. You may not be Supergirl anymore, but you’re still special. You’re kind and smart and funny, and you want to keep the legacy of your planet alive. You put so much emotion into your writing and your art, and I admire that._

_I hope it’s okay for me to ask, but by ‘I’m not Supergirl anymore’, do you mean that you lost your powers after the solar-flare? We never talked about it and it was never confirmed, but it seems to make the most sense._

_I hope you have a wonderful day,_

_Lena_

After Lena hits send, she sinks down on the couch. She feels both overwhelmed and drained at the same time. She finally told Supergirl who she is, but it doesn’t feel like a step forward. Supergirl had already suspected it. And Lena is none the wiser about Supergirl herself.

She wishes she could see her, just once. Catch a glimpse of the person she is now. To not chase a fragment of her imagination that’s haunting her dreams. She imagines her skin to be soft and warm, her touch to be comforting. She wants her to become so real and clear like the words in black and white on her screen. Is that too much to ask?

A single tear rolls down her cheek, and she wipes it away with the sleeve of her blouse. Then she sighs. She’s in her own house, there’s no one there to see her tears. She should really change out of her work clothes into something comfortable for the night. But she remains still, and when the tears start flowing freely, she clutches a throw pillow and cries into the loneliness of her living room.

* * *

To: lena1026@starmail.com

From: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

_Dear Lena,_

_Isn’t it funny how life works sometimes? You send a message to a stranger with a blog, and then you become friends and have things in common, and you don’t get bored of talking to them._

_I think that’s the thing I love most about Earth. Humans use technology to connect with each other, instead of limiting its use like we did on Krypton. (What I’m trying to say is, I’m happy we’ve become friends.)_

_It’s true that we haven’t talked about the solar-flare yet … it’s not something I talk about easily. I’m sure you’ve read all the news articles about it. What happened afterwards was, I went to the secure location I always went to to recharge, but it just … didn’t happen. I lied under the sun lamps, and even though it would usually take me 2-3 days to recharge, this time was different. We gave it another 24 hours, nothing. They tested my blood, my DNA, did an MRI-scan … nothing looked unusual. After a week, my powers still hadn’t returned. I could get up and walk around, but … I was human (well, except for my DNA)._

_I stayed at the location for three weeks for observation, and I broke two toes from walking against furniture and suffered a burn on my hand from the coffee maker during that time. I had never experienced any of it, and it was terrifying. I felt so fragile._

_And when it became clear that my powers wouldn’t come back, it completely threw me off. I had to go back to my job to not raise suspicion, but I quit two months later. I couldn’t handle it, I became depressed. My purpose in life was to help people, and now I couldn’t do anything to protect the people of the city that I loved so much. I’d spent years trying to fit in as a human, but now that I had become like one, I never felt more like an alien._

_I started the blog as part of my therapy, so I had something to focus on. I took up painting again, something I had liked to do in college. It helped me a great deal. We decided not to make a public statement about Supergirl, and eventually the media attention died down. I feel sorry that the people of National City never got closure, but we had to protect my civilian life. We didn’t want people to look for Supergirl in every blonde woman they see on the street._

_So now here I am … for better or for worse._

_Thank you for reading this, I truly appreciate you, Lena._

_\- S_

* * *

“I’m not delusional, Sam. She’s real. Just because I haven’t seen a recent photo doesn’t mean she isn’t a real person. It’s more complicated than that.” Lena can’t help the high pitch of her voice.

Sam shakes her head in disapproval on the other side of the screen. “It’s been weeks, Lena. Tell her to send you a picture or drop her. It’s that easy.”

It’s not that easy, Lena thinks, and that’s what Sam doesn’t understand. Lena doesn’t know why she defends Supergirl – there is nothing to defend. Sam is right. Then again, she isn’t, because Sam isn’t the one talking to Supergirl, she isn’t the one whose entire world would come crumbling down if Supergirl isn’t who she says she is.

Lena tries to argue, tries for Sam to give Supergirl the benefit of the doubt, but Sam stays stubborn. Lena does, too. It’s one of the reasons they worked so well with each other in Metropolis, but now it feels like they’ve reached a dead end. There’s no sense in arguing about it. The truth is that neither of them know the truth, and all that Lena can do is reassure Sam that she’s got the situation under control. Even if she doesn’t completely believe she does herself.

Just like the many times they’ve talked about it before, they soon change the topic. Lena wishes it didn’t feel like she has a choice to make – Sam’s trust in her soundness of judgment or Lena’s trust in Supergirl’s words.

* * *

To: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

From: lena1026@starmail.com

_Dear Supergirl,_

_Thank you for sharing what happened after the solar-flare with me. I know you likely don’t want any pity, but … I’m sorry it happened to you. It’s not fair that you lost your powers without any warning, when you used them to do good in the world. Loss is never fair and never gets easier, I can relate to that._

_But trust me when I say that the world still needs you. You’re still a kind and caring person, and you create beautiful art. I hope you know that it’s worth to stay in this world even if you’re ‘only human’ now. I hope you have people who remind you of that every day._

_I would like to ask you another personal question. It’s something I’ve wondered about for a long time. Please feel free to ask me anything in return, even if most of my life is on Wikipedia for anyone to read._

_What’s your Kryptonian name?_

_\- Lena_

To: lena1026@starmail.com

From: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

_Dear Lena,_

_Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me. I’m doing better these days._

_I figured you would eventually ask me this, and it’s only fair that you want to know (after all it’s not something that’s on my Wikipedia page …)._

_I can’t give you my ‘human’ name, unfortunately. It’s never to be associated with Supergirl, ever._

_But my Kryptonian name is Kara Zor-El._

_It feels good to tell you my name. I trust you to keep it safe._

_\- Kara_

* * *

_Kara_. Supergirl’s name is Kara. The name echoes in Lena’s mind, and it sends tingles down her spine when she says it out loud alone in her room. Kara. Does the name sound the same when it rolls of Supergirl’s tongue in Kryptonian?

Lena promises Kara to keep her name safe. There are days she wants to tell someone, and she almost tells Sam, but then she only informs her friend that she knows Supergirl’s name now, and that she’s keeping it a secret. Sam only hums with a raised eyebrow, but Lena ignores her.

The days get chillier and the leaves start to fall from the trees as the weeks go by, and Lena talks to Supergirl more freely than ever. Talks to _Kara_ more freely than ever. Kara wishes her a happy birthday with an adorably stupid e-card, but somehow, it’s the best thing Lena has received in years.

Kara tells her about the Kryptonian name-day tradition, and finds out when Lena’s name-day is. She records a Kryptonian name-day song for her blog, and Lena marks Kara’s Kryptonian name-day in her calendar with a tiny ‘K’ in pencil. She doesn’t know Kara’s birthday yet, but she doesn’t mind much.

She doesn’t mind much until she does, and like before, it starts to eat away at her. Maybe it’s the shortened hours of daylight the fall brings, but the more she talks to Kara the lonelier she feels. Sam comes for a visit with Ruby and it takes Lena’s mind off for a while, and they don’t talk about Supergirl. It’s like a taboo for Sam, and Lena knows she won’t acknowledge Kara’s existence until Lena meets her in person.

Ironically, it’s Sam’s visit that finally pushes Lena to move forward. Kara mentions offhandedly that she saw paparazzi photos of Lena, Sam and Ruby leaving the gift shop of the National City museum, and tells her she likes her cardigan. It’s meant to be nonchalant, but it sets something off in Lena.

It’s unfair that Kara can see photos of her and compliment her on her outfit, when Lena has no idea what Kara even looks like now. Sure, Lena has the old pictures, but it’s not the same. Kara is not the same person anymore, and her appearance has likely changed since then. And she holds it all back from Lena like it means nothing. Like not knowing what she looks like now isn’t this all-consuming _thing_ in Lena’s mind.

The minute that Lena is back home from dropping Sam and Ruby off at the airport, she sits down to write an e-mail she isn’t sure she will regret in the morning. However, the unwritten words feel like lead in her chest, and she never wanted Sam to be right all along, but she feels like she might suffocate if she doesn’t get them out.

To: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

From: lena1026@starmail.com

_Dear Kara,_

_I had a great time with my friend and her daughter, thank you!_

_But there is something I need to talk to you about._

_I don’t know if you are aware of the distress it causes me to not know about you. I’ve told you time and time again that I trust that you are the “real” Supergirl and this is not just a hoax. We’re past that point, I believe. However, I still have a friend who doubts you, and she has a point._

_You’ve never sent me a recent picture. We’ve never Skyped. We’ve never met. All I have is your words on screen, and your voice on record._

_Now, as I said I do believe you say who you are. But you need to understand that it’s unfair that you can see recent pictures of me, and I have no idea what you look like now. It’s killing me, and I keep wondering why you’re keeping it from me. We trust each other. You trusted me with your name._

_If your appearance has changed drastically since you were Supergirl, then please know that I won’t judge you. I don’t care about what you look like, I just need to see you. I don’t care that you don’t have superpowers anymore. I will still be your friend no matter what._

_Please Kara, please agree to meet me, or Skype with me, or send me a recent picture. Anything so I can have peace of mind and know it’s you._

_\- Lena_

* * *

To: lena1026@starmail.com

From: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

_Dear Lena,_

_I’m sorry._

_I never meant to put you through all of this._

_The truth is, I haven’t sent you a picture because ever since I lost my powers, my self-confidence has been low. I told you I was doing better these days, and I am, but I’m still struggling._

_You’re the first new friend I’ve made since it happened. You mean more to me than you will ever know._

_But I just … I need more time. I’m sorry, Lena. I’m not ready yet, I trust you when you say you will still be my friend, but I’ve just become so insecure._

_I’m not brave anymore, not like I used to be. I don’t know who I am anymore, even now._

_I’m sorry._

_\- Kara_

* * *

To: supergirl@khaoshuh-blog.com

From: lena1026@starmail.com

_Kara,_

_I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry I’m not someone you can feel confident around._

_Please don’t let this be the end of this. I can give you time, but I also need my answers._

_You’re important to me. You’re my first friend in National City._

_I just want to see you. You don’t need to be brave. We won’t be Lena Luthor and Supergirl. We’ll just be Lena and Kara._

_\- Lena_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading and especially for the kudos and comments, they always make my day! <3  
> come talk to me on tumblr if you want: magical-illusion13.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3

At first, Lena is hopeful. She’s hopeful that Kara will respond, that Kara trusts her enough to agree to something, anything. But as the day turns into night and the sleepless night turns into day, her hope wavers.

* * *

Kara doesn’t respond.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see you all loved the previous short chapter :D you will be pleased to know that this following chapter was originally multiple short ones but I decided against it (what can I say, I love angst and drama. cliffhangers are great ... when you're the author :P)

Kara doesn’t respond, but one day Lena gets a notification for a new blog entry. There’s a new painting. It shows the night sky on Krypton, the description says. Lena wants to escape into it, to fall into the endless blue and to meet Kara there.

* * *

Kara doesn’t respond, but Sam starts calling her daily. Something tells Lena that Jess has to do with it after she found Lena staring into nothing at her office late one night, but she doesn’t question it. One day she breaks Sam’s taboo and tells her about Kara’s last e-mail, and Sam does her best to comfort her. There are no hard words this time, as if Sam can feel all the way from Metropolis how much Lena is hurting. Lena cries silently on the phone and wills herself to believe Sam when she tells her it will all be okay, eventually.

* * *

Kara doesn’t respond, and Lena somehow moves on. It’s harder than she wants to admit even to herself, and she still makes no mention of it to Jess and Kelly.

But somehow, she moves on, and she launches the image-inducer and donates a hundred samples to aliens in need all over the world. The response is overwhelmingly positive, and while she doesn’t let herself feel anything these days, the heartfelt letters she receives touch her in a way that makes her keep going.

The echo of Kara’s name in her mind has become dull and faded by the time Kelly visits her office one afternoon.

“Lena, do you remember Alex’ sister?” Kelly asks after they’ve exchanged pleasantries.

Lena tilts her head, trying to recall meeting her but draws a blank.

“You bought her painting at the mayor’s gala last year,” Kelly explains with a lenient smile.

Lena nods. Of course. She walks past the painting multiple times a day. She still finds herself wishing she could spend her lunchbreak in its scenery, to shut out the stress of her day-to-day. She smiles to encourage Kelly to keep talking.

“Well, Alex’ sister wants to meet you to thank you for buying it. I think I told you how she freaked out when she heard you bought it. The publicity she received from the gala and your generous donation has helped her get more exposure for her art, and she’s been selling more paintings since. She … she’s been having a hard time recently, and it would mean a lot to her to thank you personally.” Kelly smiles again, and Lena feels a pull in her heart at how much Kelly cares about her sister-in-law.

She nods again. “Of course. I’m happy that it helped her get exposure, I really liked her style. I will ask Jess to check the schedule for me and get back to you?”

Kelly bites her lip and glances to the door. “About that … she’s waiting outside.”

She clears her throat. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t appreciate it when visitors come unannounced. But Alex called me earlier and insisted her sister needed to see you today. I didn’t mean to take advantage of my position like this, but … she hasn’t been doing well lately, and I couldn’t tell her no …”

Lena puts up a hand to stop Kelly from rambling. “Hey,” she says, her voice soft now.

“It’s alright. All I have to do today is boring paperwork anyways. I’d love to meet her. You can let her in. Just remind me of her name?”

“Thank you, Lena.” Kelly says, relief evident on her face. She’s already half out of her seat.

“Her name is Kara Danvers.”

* * *

When the artist steps into Lena’s office, she takes her breath away. She’s blonde and athletic, and she’s wearing a white button-up. Her posture, however, is a little shy and timid. She wears round glasses, and underneath them Lena can make out a scar that reaches from the bridge of her nose towards her left eyebrow.

She walks towards Lena, but instead of stretching out her hand to greet her she stops and takes a deep breath. Her gaze catches Lena’s. When she speaks, Lena’s world freezes into the blue she’s staring into.

“I’m her.”


	5. Chapter 5

“I’m her.”

As soon as the words leave Kara’s mouth, she can see Lena freeze in her spot. There’s no doubt that Lena understands in an instant.

Lena is beautiful in person, Kara thinks. Not even the highest-quality press photos do her justice. Her skin is pale against the harsh light of the office, and the red of her lips is the perfect shade.

Kara holds her breath and waits for Lena to say something, anything. But Lena remains silent. Only her eyes travel all over Kara’s form, linger on the paint stains on her blue jeans and take in her broad shoulders until they rest on the scar Kara tries to hide behind the thick rims of her glasses.

Lena swallows and Kara can see her chin quivering. She wants to step forward and reach out to Lena to provide comfort, wishes they weren’t strangers (they’re not, but they are). She opens her mouth to explain herself more, to ramble like she does when her nerves eat away at her, but Lena beats her to it.

“You’re her.”

Her voice is small and raspy, and all Kara can do is nod. They stare at each other for a long moment.

“You’re here.”

Kara almost doesn’t catch Lena’s whisper. It used to never be a problem, in her old life. Even now she is still getting used to listen closely at all times. The room is quiet except for the ticking of a clock on the wall somewhere. In her old life, Kara is sure she would have heard Lena’s heart stomping in her chest, would have tried to commit its rhythm to memory. Now, however, all she can do is focus on the intensity behind Lena’s eyes.

“I am,” she confirms with a nod, and it’s like something breaks loose.

Lena lets out a loud sob and covers her face with her hands, but Kara is next to her in an instant. Her earlier hesitancy gone, she instinctively reaches for Lena’s hands and covers them with her own, her palms wrapping around her fingers.

“I’m sorry, Lena” Kara whispers and swallows.

Lena’s tears tingle on Kara’s fingertips and she slowly, softly pulls away. Lena drops her hands, too, and suddenly they’re face to face, so close that Kara can see the specks of gray in Lena’s green eyes.

“Why, Kara?” Lena cries.

Kara has so much to tell her, but no words leave her mouth.

“Why didn’t you respond?” Lena continues and wipes at her eyes, smearing mascara. “You left me in the dark, you said you trusted me but you didn’t trust me at all, even when I told you I wouldn’t walk away!”

Kara doesn’t move, only bites her lip and watches as Lena’s tears rolls down her cheeks. They’re still standing close, and she fights the urge to catch the tears with her thumb.

“I’m sorry, Lena,” Kara starts when Lena falls silent. “I’m so sorry for how I handled everything. You deserve to know the truth, all of it. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”

She clears her throat. “I mean, if you let me. I was prepared for you to see me and throw me out at once.”

“No,” Lena’s voice sounds hoarse. Kara’s heart skips a beat when their eyes meet again.

“No, I won’t throw you out,” she adds and lets out a low laugh.

Kara sighs in relief, and it makes Lena chuckle. Lena takes a deep breath.

“I am, however, so, so angry with you. I almost threw you out just now, and the only reason I didn’t was because I know that Kelly and Jess are waiting outside and I did not want to explain myself when they find me crying in here.” Lena glances towards the door, then back to Kara.

“You made me wait for you to come around for months, and now that I was finally starting to forget you, starting to tell myself maybe I didn’t need you in my life, you show up out of the blue under the pretense of wanting to thank me for buying your painting. I didn’t even have any idea that the painting outside of my office, the one that I look at dozens of times a day and that I love so much, that it is _yours_ , I-“

Lena takes another deep breath to calm herself, on the verge of talking herself into a fit. Kara swallows and reaches for her hand. Lena lets her, and so she grips her hand tightly.

“I’m sorry, Lena. But please know, I did want to thank you. I wanted to thank you ever since you bought it. It meant so much to me, and even more so when I realized it was you who was my e-mail friend. I …” Kara pauses.

“At the gala, I saw you talking to Alex and since I was kind of a fan, I thought I’d come over, but then you left to quickly, and then later I learned you had bought my favorite painting.” Now it’s her turn to take a calming breath.

“I didn’t know it was you,” Lena whispers. “I didn’t know why your paintings resonated with me so much. The colors, the style, … now that it’s in front of me, I don’t know how I didn’t see it …”

“I have no idea what I would have done if you had written to Supergirl about this painter named Kara Danvers whose style is kinda similar to hers. I have no idea what I would have done if I had actually introduced myself to you at the gala, only to later find out about you. I don’t think I would have told you my Kryptonian name. When I think about it, I was kind of careless to think you wouldn’t connect the dots between Kara Zor-El and Kara Danvers …” Kara admits.

Lena says nothing in return, only studies her face. Kara waits for the anxiety to boil up in her chest, the anxiety she feels every time someone examines her scar, when she can hear the question they’re about to ask before they even open their mouth. But instead all she feels is a sense of calm, like the light blue of a sunny day in Midvale.

“Why did you tell me you were Supergirl in your first reply?” Lena asks after a while. There’s no accusation in her voice this time, only curiosity.

Kara swallows and looks down at their entwined hands. “I just … I just wanted to be her again.” She doesn’t recognize her own voice when she speaks and she can’t hold back a single tear from rolling down her cheek.

“I’m sorry, Lena. I used you. You didn’t know what had happened to me, you didn’t pity me. I used you to pretend I was still the person I once was. I just … I loved writing the blog, and painting the pictures of Krypton still helps me come to terms with everything. But there was something so exciting about being Supergirl again, about having someone who didn’t know what had happened. I’m sorry …”

For a moment, it looks like Lena might either break down crying, or explode in anger. A part of Kara wishes she would. She knows that Lena is angry at her, she had made that clear, but she feels that she deserves to be yelled at. She never even had the courage to show up here in the first place.

Instead, Lena says nothing, only strokes the back of Kara’s hand with her thumb. Somehow, it feels like more than Kara can handle. She swallows.

“Did Alex know?” Lena’s question catches Kara off guard. She slowly shakes her head.

“No. She knew I had an e-mail friend, but she didn’t know it was you. And when I … when I didn’t respond to you … I didn’t tell her that, either.” Kara bites her lip.

“But then it started eating away at me, over the past couple of months. I missed you so much. I missed the way we could talk about everything and nothing, I missed being your friend. It’s always been hard for me since coming to Earth to truly connect with someone, but with you it was so easy. I started to realize the huge mistake I had made. And I had commissions for paintings, thanks to the attention I got from your purchase, but I felt too depressed to paint and I kept missing deadlines …” She takes a deep breath.

Lena looks at her with patience, and Kara wonders how she could ever not want to have Lena in her life.

“Until this morning. Alex asked about my e-mail friend, and I couldn’t come up with anything to tell her, so she asked why we weren’t talking anymore, and I broke down and told her everything. And … she was so angry with me. Said that I should have told her it was you, that I should have told her when I was too scared to respond. So she made me come here and come clear to you.”

Lena says nothing for another long moment, but Kara can see her biting the inside of her cheek. “Does … does Kelly …?”

“No.” Kara rushes to say. “Alex only called her when I was already on the way, and she doesn’t know more than Alex did before I told her.”

Lena only nods. Kara wishes she would say more, give voice to the emotions that make her neck muscles tense and her hands clammy, but she doesn’t pressure her.

The ringing of Lena’s office phone cuts through the room, making both women start up. Lena, however, ignores the phone and doesn’t let go of Kara’s hand.

“Kara … I want to start over.” Lena swallows. Kara can only stare at her, anxiously awaiting her next words.

“I’m so angry, you ghosted me for months and then you show up here out of the blue, and you fucking _ruined_ me more than anyone ever has and-“ Lena takes a deep breath.

“But-“, Lena adds and inhales and exhales slowly, “but I also missed you, Kara. I missed you so much.” Another deep, calming breath. “And now that I heard your side, I want to give you a second chance. I want you in my life, and I still mean everything I wrote in my e-mail.”

Kara nods. She can feel tears prickling behind her eyes.

“Do you want to come home with me, so we can talk more? I know that Jess and Kelly are waiting outside the door, and I don’t know what to tell them when they see us leave, but I also can’t let go of you now that you’re here … we can order Chinese and just talk? If you want?” Lena sounds unsure suddenly, and Kara would have never thought she would be the type to ramble when nervous, but it’s endearing and her words make Kara’s tears spill over before she can stop it.

“Yes, I would love that.” Kara has so much to say to Lena, but in this moment this simple affirmation has to be enough.

“I meant what I wrote in my last e-mail,” Lena reiterates and looks at Kara intensely. “We don’t have to be Lena Luthor and Supergirl. We can just be Lena and Kara.”

Kara can’t help the sob that escapes her lips, and she murmurs affirmations as Lena pulls her close. They hug, and it’s soft and desperate and longing and exhilarating all at once. Kara clings to Lena just as much as Lena does to her, and Lena feels warm and cozy under her touch.

Kara berates herself for the hundredth time for taking so long to reach out, and she swears to herself to put every single piece of Lena that she broke back together just in the same way that Lena is doing to her in this moment.

Lena slightly pulls away and presses a soft kiss to her cheek, and in that moment, Kara knows two things to be true.

She never wants to be without Lena again.

She will be fine if she can never be Supergirl again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who read this, and for all the kudos and comments! they are so, so appreciated! <3  
> I wrote this mainly out of catharsis and as an in-between of another, major WIP, so I'm still in shock that it seems to have resonated with so many people. feeling grateful for everyone who takes the time to read my words.
> 
> everyone stay safe and healthy out there!
> 
> edit: i changed my username from magical-illusion13 to hat_full_of_stars !! (tumblr: hat-full-of-stars)


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